The Impact on my life..........

I am a 30yr old daughter, wife and mother and as a result of my abusers actions I have suffered with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, and I have sort medical advice/treatment for all of these. I have also suffered, due to my trauma, from bulimia and binge eating from the age of 10 years old.

My self image and self esteem has always been very low, I can’t understand why people would ever like me or want me. I have always been a much ‘closed’ person but on the other hand always wanting to please people and be liked by them.

Relationships with men have been extremely difficult for me, I believed all they wanted was just sex and didn’t care about me as a person, maybe I was even classed as easy and from this my self-worth was non-existent and therefore I made the wrong decisions and slept with older men at a young age.

I have always felt intimidated by men and feel over powered and not in control even worrying for my personal safety. Trusting men around my children, apart from school/nursery and grandparents, has been severely problematic for me. I will not leave my children with anyone else, for example I would not use a babysitter or child-minder ‘just in case’. I find it very difficult to even leave them with male family members that I know, as, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, ‘what if’, these irrational thoughts can be very distressing.  Every male I meet I tend to assess them, could they be a pedophile; for example my ex-boyfriend had a daughter who stayed with us on occasions. I used to put her to bed as my thoughts would go into overtime, I couldn’t chance her being put to bed by her daddy and him abusing her.  I had no evidence of him ever doing anything to her but to me I had to treat all men with caution and suspicion.

The quality of my daily life has been affected greatly, but I have tried to cope on a day to day basis however, it has been difficult for me. I carried a big secret around for 17 years after the abuse stopped a massive weight that has taken a strain on me mentally. Through it I have felt isolated and alone with no one to share it with and I couldn’t bear the hurt it could do to the family if they found out. I decided that I wouldn’t burden anyone and that it would be best to take my secret to my grave so I shut down, never allowing myself to re-live my past.  I put on a brave face so my family would never have to know how much I suffered and hurt through my precious child years and now as a wife and mother.

Now that I have finally spoken about what happened to me I am faced with the immense feelings of guilt and anguish. In the past I didn’t allow myself to fully accept what had happened to me; I couldn’t think beyond the hurt that my family might feel if I disclosed the abuse that I had suffered. But now that I have came out about what happened to me I am faced with the guilt of knowing that other young girls have been hurt, who may not have been if I had spoken up sooner, hence the guilt and remorse feelings I have to deal with and that play on my mind daily.

My husband has found this very difficult to deal with the situation. Despite being very supportive it has taken its toll on him and, in some ways, on our relationship.

Reflecting on my childhood I can say I was never a happy child, I had worries and concerns that a child never should never have to deal with.  A very vivid memory is at the tender age of 7 or 8 I thought I was going to have a baby as I had been told how babies were made by someone.  I can recall putting two and two together with what me and “my daddy” had been doing I was really worried that I would have a baby in my tummy and my mummy would be very angry and tell me off. I didn’t have a normal carefree innocent time as a child; I was always scared, lonely, anxious, confused and felt very maternal and protective over my little sister; I constantly worried in case anyone hurt her.

As a teenager I was very confused and self-destructive and reflecting back on my years of promiscuity and drinking too much alcohol, I found this eased the hurt and pain and numbed my feelings.

When this person was out of my life I used to wonder how I would deal with him coming back, what would I say, what would he do, could I ever face him and could ‘I carry on living’ if he was in our lives again.  These were real distressing feelings I had and still do have.