Mother's Day

Mother's Day as a daughter is slightly difficult for me as my relationship with my mother is complicated. I do love her and appreciate what she does for me yet my emotions towards her are sometimes cold. I do not kiss or cuddle her or in fact show her any effection. I find our relationship strained and have since I was a child. Now that I have started to open up and explore my mental health and emotions I think this may be a symptom of PTSD, this is undiagnosed and needs further exploration- hopefully I will find out one day as I really hope we can a happier relationship.

Mother's Day as a mother is everything to me. I am truly blessed to have wonderful happy and confident children who are my world. I am so greatful to be able to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother. I work very hard to give my children a safe happy and enriched childhood and I am proud of this achievement. The love for my children gave me the strength to help me throughout the process of coming out about my abuse and staying strong all the way through to his conviction.

Friendship

I have shared this blog today with someone that knows me. Apart from my husband I have kept it annoyonous. We have known each other a long time and over the last 18 months (when I opened up about the abuse I had suffered) she has been someone that I can trust and who I feel just sees me as me and doesn't judge me. Real friendship 

School Reunion

Today I have been invited to a school reunion for my old school year in the summer. Although my life looks pretty normal, i.e. married, two children, nice house, good job etc I am still feeling very insecure.
I was always a bit awkward at school. I find it very hard to form relationships and friendships and really only had one real friend at school, whom i am still friends with now. So the thought of having to meet up with people that knew me and having to be social is just horrible to me.
Im sure they are all perfectly pleasent people, but I am drenched with the feeling of being inadequate and ugly, therefor I would not want to be on show to anyone.
The general response to the invite from others is "yes- I would love too" but i do not feel like that so when they confirm a date for it I'm going to have to decline and make up an excuse for that day.
I do feel this is sad because where I would like to be is in a place within myself when I would unbrace a public get together like this and want to meet people. At the moment, I am noway in that place.

Facing demons......

Today I saw someone who I haven't seen for nearly 6 years and who when I last saw I was scared of.

To cut a long story short, due to my low self asteam and low self confidence I found myself in a very negative and bad even sometimes abusive relationship from the age of 17 until just after my daughter was born at 23.  

This person bullied me and it took for me to have my daughter to leave him.....in my mind it didn't matter what happened to me but she (my beautiful baby girl) deserved better. 

This afternoon I bumped into him, he has been such an intimating, scary and controlling figure historically to me that I just tried to walk away, but after him calling my name repeatedly, I stopped and turned around....

I was faced with the person that I did not want to see, I always knew he may come back in to my life but I was not expecting for that day to be today!

He told me that he was sorry and when ever I was ready to resume contact with him then I could......then he said he wished me well and goodbye.

I am still processing this event and although I wish he didn't exsist, I must be greatful that he behaved respectfully and walked away.

This was a big thing for me.

I have faced yet another demon....and I'm ok.

Thinking of you...

I received a card from my auntie and uncle......

We are sending you all our love and best wishes to you and your family. We can only imagine how difficult things have been for you. You have been so strong. You are a beautiful young lady with a very loving husband and two wonderful children, what a bright future!! Lots of love 

It's is very welcome and makes me feel supported :)

Nightmares

Every night since he pleeded guilty I have be suffering from terrible nightmares. It has left me waking up in tears and taking hours to feel better again.

These nightmares are not about my abuser but about all different things, they range from my children's life being threatened, to being me raped and shot at. They are all very distressing and every night without fail, and they are all based at the house where my abuse took place..... 

He pleeds guilty

Last Friday the man who abused me thoughout my childhood pleeded guilty to 9 charges of indecent assault to a child against me.

I want to share my journey from this point as rather than me feeling that it's an end, I feel it's the beginning.....

I hope that me writing this will help others who are in similar situations