Saturday 4 October 2014

Nobody noticed???

If you have been following my blog then you know how I kept the abuse I suffered silent.

I really struggled in my teen years with the normal teenge hormones and problems coupled with the weight of the abuse and secrets I carried.

This art work below is a painting I done when I was 14 years old.

At first glane you see a pretty blond girl in a lavish dress, but if you look closer notice the barbed wire around her. Notice the thorny vines working themselves up her, and the trapped women ghostly images surrounding.

This painting clearly tells a story, she has her eyes closed and is gripping her clothes close to her.

It's sad how something so clear wasn't seen and wasn't noticed. 

Newest Painting


Newest Painting


My art work


It

I'm feeling lost, I'm feeling out if control, I'm feeling like iv lost it and I don't even know what it is! 

But I am looking for it and, eventually, I will find it.

Tuesday 16 September 2014

Down

I have felt so good for a long time now, but out of no where depression has crept up on me again..... I feel so flat, tearful, my energy is so low and my limbs just ache. The nightmeres are back with vengeance. I can't think of a single factor that has brought me back here and I really can't see my way out. Hopefully it will pass xx

Wednesday 3 September 2014

Appeal

Next month there is a hearing at high court in London as the person who claimed to love me and be my father figure, but whom actuarally abused me, is appealing his sentence. This is despite the fact he pleaded guilty! I don't know what grounds the appeals done on but the fact it's for this far shows that 'they' are entertaining it! It's a day I work but I think I will go as when I get third hand information it tends to be wrong and I need to hear it...... I do feel angry tho as this is the person that stole my innocents, childhood and crushed my spirit for most of my life. Why has he got the right to appeal.....it adds insult to injury!

Sunday 6 July 2014

My life, my love, me

I can see!

I can see so much than I have seen before.

I took the children out today to a nature reserve. It was raining, my husband was at work and I find it more difficult having them alone, but I took them out as it was for them not me.

We were out in the fresh air, rain coats on, hoods up, cool rain coming down. We were walking in the beautiful damp woods, looking for bugs and the children were having a wonderful time, as was I.

I started taking some photos on my phone and then I stopped, and put my phone away. I wanted to live the moment, I wanted to see my happy children and the beauty of my surroundings, I wanted to feel the environment I was in. 

I realised that taking photos to share with others on social networking sites isn't a measure of your life. Also happy times can just be enjoyed there and then for what they are, not recorded to show in order to prove your happiness and life. 

I opened my eyes and my senses and soaked in the beauty of nature and my children playing.

I saw my love and my life, I saw me.

Saturday 28 June 2014

What legacy will I leave??

I have gone from victim 
to survivor
I'm now a becoming a thriver
But how amazing would it be to inspirer 
as an influencer!

What legacy will I leave on this earth?

Hopefully my children will grow into two forfilled, happy adults with love in their lives. But what if I can leave more than that? What if I can leave my mark on this earth as someone who supported others, who helped to change that taboo that goes with people that have been victims of abuse.

How amazing would that be....

Life's a nine

When I first saw the lovely Kath at the Happiness Foundation, she ask me to place myself between 1 and 10, (1 being lowest) and I placed myself at 3, which is pretty sad. 

I saw her again yesterday and I placed my self on a 7, then was asked what is stopping my life from being a 9 (I think a 10 is an unecessary high ie winning the lottery,etc). Then it dawned on me, there is no longer any environmental factors holding me back from happiness. The only thing holding me back was my own negativity towards myself!

To put it into perspective I (as most people who read my blogs know) have 2 amazing happy healthy children, I have a husband who loves ME, I have a good job, a lovely house, I'm in a safe, loving environment. The only thing that was making my life a 7 rather than a 9 was that I feel ugly and worry about what people think of me. How ridiculous is that!? I am holding myself back from contentment and happiness because I want to be slimmer and prettier! 

I then made the desision to take myself to a 9, I will not let negative feelings about my appearance hold me back anymore, I'm well aware that I will have wobbles and bad days, but I won't let it dominate me.

Tuesday 17 June 2014

Magazine Article


A press agency approached me to do a write up on my story, following the sentencing. My first reaction was no, as I wouldn’t want my neighbours etc knowing what had happened to me, but then I realised what a terrible contradiction it was.

I have been talking about and promoting other survivors not to be ashamed and come forward as they had not done anything wrong! How easy it was to say that anonymously from behind a computer screen in the comfort of my own home but when asked to be photographed, named and published, I was not so comfortable.

I asked some of my lovely fellow survivors on twitter what their opinion was, and had a good think about it. I made the decision, that I have talked the talk and now was time to walk the walk. I want to inspire others to come forward and learn to be happy with themselves and free from their past trauma, the way to do this is lead by example.

My story will firstly in Pick Me Up magazine on 10th July, then in another magazine after that. I will share the link when it comes out.

Monday 9 June 2014

What do I like???

Possibly as a result of my survival instinct that I developed form an early age, I don't know what I like.

Music, I don't have a type of music I listen too, I will listen too whatever music my company want too. But alone would i put in that radio station? Probably not.

Food, I will eat just about any type of food, if in a social situation i am far more happy to eat what type of food the other people want. I'm happy to eat anything. Would I have picked to go to a fish restaurant with that group? and would i have chosen to go to that American diner with them? Probably no, as I'm not keen on fish and burgers..... 

Travel, on journeys in the car with my mum, I sit in the back as she doesn't like sitting in the back, I will do it without hesitation, but actually I travelled with morning sickness and sciatica, in the back of a car for 6 hours when pregnant with my son. Rather than just sitting in the back of the car with out hesitation, maybe I should have said actually its less comfortable for ME?
My husband doesn't like sitting backwards on a train and prefers to sit near the window so of course i sit in the seat that he doesn't, once again without hesitation because I'm more happy being uncomfortable and not making a fuss that feeling like the other person is uncomfortable. But truth be known I much prefer sitting near the window.

I have changed my hair colour and fashion sence in the past it fit in with what my previous partner wanted!

This is not the fault of others, it's that I feel much happier knowing that someone else is happy than satisfying my own needs.

Is it that I have no opinions, preferences or tastes or my own?? Or is it that I have learnt to comply and not form my own opinions as it is easier?? Because recently I have been analysing my likes and dislikes, and I do have preference that I have developed not because its what I think I should do/have to please other but because its what I LIKE.

Sunday 1 June 2014

Value yourself

I have been thinking a lot about my future and how wonderful it would be to help people who's lives have been devistated by abuse.

I'm only 18 months in to my recovering/healing so I still have a long way to go but the progress, happiness and growth I have made is just life changing. 

There are lots of different aspects of my healing some by others, some by myself, some big, some small.

I know how it feels to feel worthless and I know how it feels to feel valued. I now value myself and I was my biggest critic!

What I say is credible and I know I could help others value themselves too.

Tuesday 27 May 2014

Friendships

I consider myself as a kind and friendly person, but I seem to struggle to make and retain friendships. 

I left school with only one friend that I keep in touch with despite the fact I went to quite a large school.

I also worked for the same company for 10 years and met lots of people that I got on well with and really liked. Despite this after being left for a year I have noone that I say in touch with or meet up with.

Did I not make the effort or come across as friendly? I see all these other people that I went to school with and work with having close relationships, yet I somehow sadly have slipped away from school and work unnoticed.

Maybe it was my lack of confidence that made me come across differently to how I really felt? 

I don't feel jealousy anymore when seeing people socialising with each other that I know.....I just feel sadness now that I didn't make an impact on anyone for them to want to keep me in their lives.

Maybe if I had been true to myself and not tried to be how I thought people wanted me to be, then this may have been different??


"She was asking for it..."

This is something I read yesterday and found very interesting, look at the man being mugged as a sexual assult or rape of a woman. It makes a very clever point 

Friday 16 May 2014

Control

Well I had my assessment appointment yesterday with the Clinical Psychologist and I was pleasantly surprised.

She was a nice gentle lady, we talked about my whole past, without going in to details, and a word that she pointed out that I used a lot was 'control'

As I skimmed over my past, she pointed out that even with the sexual child abuse aside, I had had a difficult and tramtic life. 

In the past I have felt not in control of my life, my feelings and my behaviour. Even now I feel not in control of my emotions and I also my mother is over powering with my daughter and I don't feel in control of her future, this causes me a lot of anxiety. Also my issue with weigh and food I believe derives from control. My ex partner completely controlled me and I'm still left 'scarred' from that.

The Psychologist commended me on how far I had came already and that she did not want to interfere with the healing that I had done so far, but the are aspects she can help me with.

I am going to see her again, her help teamed with the healing and empowerment that I have had from Kath Temple from the Happiness Foundation.




Thursday 15 May 2014

Bad day

I'm feeling over whelmed today and stressed out. 

I think it's the anticipation of the appointment tomorrow.

I've been so proud of myself and stood tall as a strong survivor, but today I don't feel strong. 

I don't want to be a survivor/victim, I'm fed up with it all and want it all to go away....

Just a bad day I think

Wednesday 14 May 2014

Get Away....

I feel so desperate for a holiday, a break from the norm.....

I have carried on working and looking after my children and all the other jobs that are involved with being a working wife and mother throughout all of the rollercoaster of emotions I have had over the last 18 months.

I have had police appointments, authority appointments, doctors appointments, court visits, told friends and family about my past. This week I have a doctors appointment tonight, the Psychologist appointment on Friday, In a couple of weeks I'm meeting with the probation people about what happens now 'he,s' in prison.

I'm not saying these things are good or bad, I'm just saying I am tired and I need a break away. I have never left my children and I'm very hesitant to do so, but they have 2 sets of loving grandparents who would look after them. A couple of nights away with my husband, with no responsibility, no need to think, time to breath would be amazing and so so needed. I really should try make it happen

Psychologist Appointment

I have received an appointment in the post to see a Clinical Psychologist at the local Psychosexual services this week.

It is just an initial assessment appointment so I will go as I believe it is important to have an open mind to these things, but I feel worried about going and don't think its right for me.

Taking about the past no longer 'cuts' me like it used too. I have learnt over the past few months how to talk about what happened in a factual way without having emotions swamp me.

This is how I look on my past now-

My step dad, didn't love me, he was using me for his own gain, that is not ok but it is what happened. My unhappiness has held me back for a very long time, I have been weighed down with feeling of inferiority and confusion. I now have accepted and learnt to speak out, yes I was abused, yes it is tragic but NO I will not let it rule my life health and happiness anymore.

Do I need to talk over the details and my emotions again??

Monday 5 May 2014

Beautiful

I have been fixated since I can remember on being prettier, thiner, better. 

My fixation on beauty has been based on comparing myself to others..... I wanted a smaller waist, bigger eyes, longer hair, darker skin, fuller lips, smaller nose, etc. All of these things would make me beautiful and happy.
 
I now feel so wise and complete as I sit here writing this in my beautiful peaceful garden, seeing my beautiful children happily play, listening to the beautiful birds sing and the sound of the breeze go through the leaves in the trees. I am sitting here contently being my beautiful self, in my happy healthy body, counting my blessings and appreciating my beautiful life and the beautiful world around me.

Beauty is so much more and I feel beautiful.

Saturday 3 May 2014

Rest In Peace

Today I am going to visit my real dad's grave. 

When he passed away my abuse began. 
Now that my abuser is in prison I will put flowers on my dad's grave as I am able to start to morn for him properly. The reason I say this is because iv always  had mixed feelings and felt confused about it.

People have always said to me that my dad really loved me, but if he did then why would he leave me to be abused? 

Also I have felt a lot of jealousy and envy towards other people who have a mum and a dad that really love them. Not so long ago we went to a wedding and as the father of the bride done his speech, I found myself emotionly over whelmed, holding back the tears. I felt such a loss that my dad had left this earth when I was so young and the man that looked after me as a child had abused me for his own gain. I felt devistated.

Another pain I have had to carry with me is that a lot of people say when a parent passes that they stay with you (like an angel) I was sadly put in the position that I prayed that he was just dead. As a child the thought of my dad seeing me doing the "bad" things I was doing was just terrible. It's more guilt I had, thinking what if my dad was trapped watching these things happen to me but was in spirit so unable to do anything- what a torchure that would be for a parent. 

Now my abuser is in prison. It's time for me to accept my dad loved me, I probably would have been abused anyway. I hopefully my dad is at peace now.

Rest in peace dad x x


Wednesday 30 April 2014

21 years



The man that abused me has just been sentenced to 21 years in prison.

This is such an amazing sentence the judge semed so understanding and compassionate. It really gives you faith that there is justice and you 'reep what you sow'.
 
I can feel all of my negative, bitter, angry feelings melting away.

I feel empowered

I feel cleansed

I feel complete

I feel free

I feel me

Monday 28 April 2014

The day I have been waiting for........

Tomorrow the man that I called dad, after my biological dad passed away, is due for sentencing for sexually abusing me as a child. He is also being charge for assaulting/abusing other women and children.

I was not going to go to the sentencing but this afternoon I decided I wanted to. This has been my story, my journey. I was the first person to come forward about him and start the criminal proceedings, which subsequently escalated.

I feel empowered to walk into the court with my head held high, I am even prepared to look him in the eyes because I am now a strong adult, who has brought this man to justice. It is no longer 'innocent child vs controlling powerful man' it is now 'strong mother vs pathetic dirty old man', the tables have now turned.

'He' really could of jeopardised my future but I have fought hard to be the person I now am and have the life that I have. I am loved and I love.

Saturday 26 April 2014

Small things show big changes

My son started swimming lessons today but as it's parent toddler that involves me going in with him. 

When I've previously been with other mums in group activities or at school I have always felt over whelmed and insecure.

It's not necessary to do with my physical appearance but I just get swamped with the feeling of inferiority, but today I did not.

I felt the same as the other mums, they were just in the pool wanting their child to learn to swim....they weren't there to judge me. We were all just mums with toddlers, that is all.

This may seem simple but it really highlighted to me that my healing is working as I didn't feel and I'm not inferior to others.

The healing I received from the amazing Kath at The Happiness Foundation is changing my life :)

Thursday 24 April 2014

Healing

I really feel that I am healing and growing. Each day I'm feeling better and stronger in myself.

I saw an amazing lady yesterday who helped me to say good bye to the negative feelings within me and learn to love myself. She told me that I wouldn't  let anyone say the things to me that I say to myself so why do I allow myself to be so negative to me.
She also armed me with some techniques to help me everyday to become more happy.

I have a loving husband, the most wonderful children, my abuser is awaiting sentencing, what I need to do is stop beating myself up- the only person stopping me from being at peace now is me.

I spoke to a family member last night and told her what had happened to me, once again complete support and love was shown to me.

I still have a way to go but I feel that I'm getting there now and when I am healed and ready I will use my experience and knowledge to make a difference to other peoples lives x

Monday 21 April 2014

Defendants Anonymity

I understand why people wrongly accused of child abuse want to change the law to have anonymity, but I don't think they should.
All of the people that are victims of abuse have had a injustice done against them, the ones that are brave enough to come forward are, in effect, on trail against their abuser. (They shouldn't be but I know I've been there)
Every single person that has been abused is innocent victims that did not asked to be abused and therefor when people are wrongly accused they are innocent victim too. It's not fair for anyone but there are victims on both sides.
Why should we have a system where it's ok for people to be a abuse victims but it's not acceptable for people to be wrongly accused.
Ok the people wrongly accused are a handful of innocent people who's lives are greatly affected but so are all of the thousands of abuse victims that live with their trauma for the rest of their lives too. 
You have to remember nobody asks to be abused!
Of course this is just my view and opinion on the subject.

Friday 18 April 2014

Simple words

After a day of feeling fat, ugly, inferior, awkward and just not very good, my daughter says some simple words to me whilst I'm putting her to bed tonight: 

"Mummy if you are happy then I am happy" 

"Yes and I'm happy if you are" I reply

"So mummy I will be happy then as that makes you happy, and that makes me happy."

Simple, beautiful, innocent and inspiring words. A 6 year old child figuring out and articulating something that us adults search for.

I really am blessed with my young wise children and really must learn to take my focus away from comparing myself to others and just rejoice in who I am.

Saturday 12 April 2014

Guilt

Guilt is a horrible thing to carry. 
I was a victim of a repeated crime- yet I carried so much guilt because of it. 
As a child I felt guilty for having an intimate relationship with my abuser, and I felt guilty for 'cheating' with my mums partner. 
After I felt guilty for having a secret and lying to everyone.
I had the guilt of my silence making it more that likely that other children would be hurt.
Then when I spoke out about my abuse I had the guilt about hurting my family.
I feel guilty that my husband is married to an abuse victim and that we had children with an abuse victim without knowing.
I feel guilty that I am that my children will find out one day that their mother was abused. 
I feel guilt..... But the fact of the matter is that I did not ask to be abused. The only person that is guilty is 'him'.
Abuse doesn't end when it stops.... My abuse will end when I learn to free myself of guilt.

Wednesday 9 April 2014

Me being me

Despite this Blog and my Twitter page being anonymous, I feel like I'm able to be so honest and truthful and more true to myself and the amazing thing is that people like me and want to listen to me.
I feel I've spent so much of my life desperate to please others and to be liked. Like many others I put on a facade to be who I think people want me to be. I would have never imagined being myself would interest anyone yet it does.
This is really helping my self confidence and maybe this blog won't always be anonymous, as actually I seem to be embraced and looked upon not as a dirty weak useless victim, but as a brave honest person. 

Monday 7 April 2014

Speaking out



Someone posted on twitter so many adults remain silent- however if they spoke up they could make a difference. I wish everyone felt a moral duty to do so....
Wow this is a bold statement to make, and one who many people who have not been in the situation like I have could make.
When you are abused a lot of the time your voice is taken from you, I have talked a lot about self esteem and self worth, this is often stolen from you and you can be left to feel insignificant. Also in my case my abuser was my little sister’s dad, and my mother’s ex partner........ how would they feel if I told them that this man had hurt me?? Talking about your abuse is also admitting it really happened, when many people like me train themselves to bury it deep within them, to say it happened is a massive thing to do. 
Also disclosing it as an adult, I was worried about people asking why didn’t I talk sooner and being looked at as someone who has caused other children to be potentially hurt as they didn’t talk up. Not forgetting police, court, media etc and the stigma of being an abuse victim.
I was able to do what I have done because I at last had support, and of course I feel guilt that others after me have been abused, I feel sick with guilt.  But in order to talk you need someone who is willing to listen.

The Impact on my life..........




I am a 30yr old daughter, wife and mother and as a result of my abusers actions I have suffered with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, and I have sort medical advice/treatment for all of these. I have also suffered, due to my trauma, from bulimia and binge eating from the age of 10 years old.

My self image and self esteem has always been very low, I can’t understand why people would ever like me or want me. I have always been a much ‘closed’ person but on the other hand always wanting to please people and be liked by them.

Relationships with men have been extremely difficult for me, I believed all they wanted was just sex and didn’t care about me as a person, maybe I was even classed as easy and from this my self-worth was non-existent and therefore I made the wrong decisions and slept with older men at a young age.

I have always felt intimidated by men and feel over powered and not in control even worrying for my personal safety. Trusting men around my children, apart from school/nursery and grandparents, has been severely problematic for me. I will not leave my children with anyone else, for example I would not use a babysitter or child-minder ‘just in case’. I find it very difficult to even leave them with male family members that I know, as, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, ‘what if’, these irrational thoughts can be very distressing.  Every male I meet I tend to assess them, could they be a pedophile; for example my ex-boyfriend had a daughter who stayed with us on occasions. I used to put her to bed as my thoughts would go into overtime, I couldn’t chance her being put to bed by her daddy and him abusing her.  I had no evidence of him ever doing anything to her but to me I had to treat all men with caution and suspicion.

The quality of my daily life has been affected greatly, but I have tried to cope on a day to day basis however, it has been difficult for me. I carried a big secret around for 17 years after the abuse stopped a massive weight that has taken a strain on me mentally. Through it I have felt isolated and alone with no one to share it with and I couldn’t bear the hurt it could do to the family if they found out. I decided that I wouldn’t burden anyone and that it would be best to take my secret to my grave so I shut down, never allowing myself to re-live my past.  I put on a brave face so my family would never have to know how much I suffered and hurt through my precious child years and now as a wife and mother.

Now that I have finally spoken about what happened to me I am faced with the immense feelings of guilt and anguish. In the past I didn’t allow myself to fully accept what had happened to me; I couldn’t think beyond the hurt that my family might feel if I disclosed the abuse that I had suffered. But now that I have came out about what happened to me I am faced with the guilt of knowing that other young girls have been hurt, who may not have been if I had spoken up sooner, hence the guilt and remorse feelings I have to deal with and that play on my mind daily.

My husband has found this very difficult to deal with the situation. Despite being very supportive it has taken its toll on him and, in some ways, on our relationship.

Reflecting on my childhood I can say I was never a happy child, I had worries and concerns that a child never should never have to deal with.  A very vivid memory is at the tender age of 7 or 8 I thought I was going to have a baby as I had been told how babies were made by someone.  I can recall putting two and two together with what me and “my daddy” had been doing I was really worried that I would have a baby in my tummy and my mummy would be very angry and tell me off. I didn’t have a normal carefree innocent time as a child; I was always scared, lonely, anxious, confused and felt very maternal and protective over my little sister; I constantly worried in case anyone hurt her.

As a teenager I was very confused and self-destructive and reflecting back on my years of promiscuity and drinking too much alcohol, I found this eased the hurt and pain and numbed my feelings.

When this person was out of my life I used to wonder how I would deal with him coming back, what would I say, what would he do, could I ever face him and could ‘I carry on living’ if he was in our lives again.  These were real distressing feelings I had and still do have.


Self Esteem




I really want to work on improving my self esteem. I often talk about wanting to help other people, but I feel that I need to work on myself first and get in a place where I am able to help other people effectively and whist I am feeling inadequate how can I possibly help other people.
I have been looking into ways to do this, of course there are external people that can help and I am going to be starting some counselling sessions in the near future. But firstly I want to try ‘work’ on myself.
Myself worth seems to be so low at the moment and a lot of the low points I have are caused by comparing myself to other people. I feel that people are better than me, whether it be prettier, slimmer, happier, brighter etc. The word that really fits me at the moment is ‘inadequate’. What I need to do is accept myself for me and stop comparing myself to other people. Logically I do know that people are not better and that we are all different but I still keep getting swamped with the feeling that I am worthless.
So going forward I am going to research into ways to overcome my negative feelings and hopefully that will lead me to being happier in my own skin.