Today I am going to visit my real dad's grave.
When he passed away my abuse began.
Now that my abuser is in prison I will put flowers on my dad's grave as I am able to start to morn for him properly. The reason I say this is because iv always had mixed feelings and felt confused about it.
People have always said to me that my dad really loved me, but if he did then why would he leave me to be abused?
Also I have felt a lot of jealousy and envy towards other people who have a mum and a dad that really love them. Not so long ago we went to a wedding and as the father of the bride done his speech, I found myself emotionly over whelmed, holding back the tears. I felt such a loss that my dad had left this earth when I was so young and the man that looked after me as a child had abused me for his own gain. I felt devistated.
Another pain I have had to carry with me is that a lot of people say when a parent passes that they stay with you (like an angel) I was sadly put in the position that I prayed that he was just dead. As a child the thought of my dad seeing me doing the "bad" things I was doing was just terrible. It's more guilt I had, thinking what if my dad was trapped watching these things happen to me but was in spirit so unable to do anything- what a torchure that would be for a parent.
Now my abuser is in prison. It's time for me to accept my dad loved me, I probably would have been abused anyway. I hopefully my dad is at peace now.
Rest in peace dad x x
Hi, I've come across your blog via Jo Heath and I'd really like to speak to you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like it's therapeutic for you to let out your thoughts on here and the positive feedback just shows that it really helps others to understand your journey.
I'm a feature writer for the Press Association, the UK's biggest and most trusted news agency and I don't know if you've even considered it before, but I wondered if you might be interested in sharing your story in one of the national magazines we work with.
By speaking out, you can show how it's never too late to get justice and historic claims are taken extremely seriously by police. So many women feel it's too traumatic to go to court and be called a liar, but by showing they will be believed, we can put more attackers behind bars.
You would have full copy approval, so you would have the piece read back to you before it is published, to check the facts and also so you know what will be printed, and you will be paid for sharing your story. I mention this because many people donate their fee to charity or put it towards a good cause.
If this is something you'd be interested in, you can email me at Phoebe.Jackson-Edwards@pressassociation.com and I'll answer any questions you might have. You're under no obligation to go ahead if you'd just like some more information.
Take care,
Phoebe