Anglia itv news

http://www.itv.com/news/anglia/2015-05-06/i-felt-i-was-doing-something-wrong-even-though-i-didnt-want-it-woman-who-was-abused-as-a-child-speaks-out/

1 year on

1 year ago the man that stood as a father figure to me, pretended to love, care and protect me but who was in reality manipulating using and abusing me was sentenced to 21 years in prison plus 5 years on tag for crimes against me and others.

The damage and unhappiness he has caused in so many lives is now over but unfortunately some scars are too deep to ever properly heal. But what I have learnt and hopefully others will is to leave a legacy of love and kindness to others and our children and end the evil from him.

It's a very proud time for me as I was the person who first spoke up to the police about his crimes and stood strong throughout the lengthy process that resulted in his conviction. 

Now

Reading my older posts on here is quite disturbing. The last couple of years have been a roller coster of emotions.

I have to say I am the strongest and most stable I have ever been.

Sharing the article online has resulted in me being flooded with love and support by all.

I feel humbled xxx

Daily mail 20/04/2015

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3046806/Woman-reveals-confession-fianc-helped-jail-paedophile-step-father.html

Nobody noticed???

If you have been following my blog then you know how I kept the abuse I suffered silent.

I really struggled in my teen years with the normal teenge hormones and problems coupled with the weight of the abuse and secrets I carried.

This art work below is a painting I done when I was 14 years old.

At first glane you see a pretty blond girl in a lavish dress, but if you look closer notice the barbed wire around her. Notice the thorny vines working themselves up her, and the trapped women ghostly images surrounding.

This painting clearly tells a story, she has her eyes closed and is gripping her clothes close to her.

It's sad how something so clear wasn't seen and wasn't noticed. 

Newest Painting

Newest Painting

My art work

It

I'm feeling lost, I'm feeling out if control, I'm feeling like iv lost it and I don't even know what it is! 

But I am looking for it and, eventually, I will find it.

Down

I have felt so good for a long time now, but out of no where depression has crept up on me again..... I feel so flat, tearful, my energy is so low and my limbs just ache. The nightmeres are back with vengeance. I can't think of a single factor that has brought me back here and I really can't see my way out. Hopefully it will pass xx

Appeal

Next month there is a hearing at high court in London as the person who claimed to love me and be my father figure, but whom actuarally abused me, is appealing his sentence. This is despite the fact he pleaded guilty! I don't know what grounds the appeals done on but the fact it's for this far shows that 'they' are entertaining it! It's a day I work but I think I will go as when I get third hand information it tends to be wrong and I need to hear it...... I do feel angry tho as this is the person that stole my innocents, childhood and crushed my spirit for most of my life. Why has he got the right to appeal.....it adds insult to injury!

My life, my love, me

I can see!

I can see so much than I have seen before.

I took the children out today to a nature reserve. It was raining, my husband was at work and I find it more difficult having them alone, but I took them out as it was for them not me.

We were out in the fresh air, rain coats on, hoods up, cool rain coming down. We were walking in the beautiful damp woods, looking for bugs and the children were having a wonderful time, as was I.

I started taking some photos on my phone and then I stopped, and put my phone away. I wanted to live the moment, I wanted to see my happy children and the beauty of my surroundings, I wanted to feel the environment I was in. 

I realised that taking photos to share with others on social networking sites isn't a measure of your life. Also happy times can just be enjoyed there and then for what they are, not recorded to show in order to prove your happiness and life. 

I opened my eyes and my senses and soaked in the beauty of nature and my children playing.

I saw my love and my life, I saw me.

What legacy will I leave??

I have gone from victim 

to survivor, 

I'm now a becoming a thriver. 

But how amazing would it be to inspirer 

as an influencer!

What legacy will I leave on this earth?

Hopefully my children will grow into two forfilled, happy adults with love in their lives. But what if I can leave more than that? What if I can leave my mark on this earth as someone who supported others, who helped to change that taboo that goes with people that have been victims of abuse.

How amazing would that be....

Life's a nine

When I first saw the lovely Kath at the Happiness Foundation, she ask me to place myself between 1 and 10, (1 being lowest) and I placed myself at 3, which is pretty sad. 

I saw her again yesterday and I placed my self on a 7, then was asked what is stopping my life from being a 9 (I think a 10 is an unecessary high ie winning the lottery,etc). Then it dawned on me, there is no longer any environmental factors holding me back from happiness. The only thing holding me back was my own negativity towards myself!

To put it into perspective I (as most people who read my blogs know) have 2 amazing happy healthy children, I have a husband who loves ME, I have a good job, a lovely house, I'm in a safe, loving environment. The only thing that was making my life a 7 rather than a 9 was that I feel ugly and worry about what people think of me. How ridiculous is that!? I am holding myself back from contentment and happiness because I want to be slimmer and prettier! 

I then made the desision to take myself to a 9, I will not let negative feelings about my appearance hold me back anymore, I'm well aware that I will have wobbles and bad days, but I won't let it dominate me.

Magazine Article

A press agency approached me to do a write up on my story, following the sentencing. My first reaction was no, as I wouldn’t want my neighbours etc knowing what had happened to me, but then I realised what a terrible contradiction it was.

I have been talking about and promoting other survivors not to be ashamed and come forward as they had not done anything wrong! How easy it was to say that anonymously from behind a computer screen in the comfort of my own home but when asked to be photographed, named and published, I was not so comfortable.

I asked some of my lovely fellow survivors on twitter what their opinion was, and had a good think about it. I made the decision, that I have talked the talk and now was time to walk the walk. I want to inspire others to come forward and learn to be happy with themselves and free from their past trauma, the way to do this is lead by example.

My story will firstly in Pick Me Up magazine on 10^th July, then in another magazine after that. I will share the link when it comes out.

What do I like???

Possibly as a result of my survival instinct that I developed form an early age, I don't know what I like.

Music, I don't have a type of music I listen too, I will listen too whatever music my company want too. But alone would i put in that radio station? Probably not.

Food, I will eat just about any type of food, if in a social situation i am far more happy to eat what type of food the other people want. I'm happy to eat anything. Would I have picked to go to a fish restaurant with that group? and would i have chosen to go to that American diner with them? Probably no, as I'm not keen on fish and burgers..... 

Travel, on journeys in the car with my mum, I sit in the back as she doesn't like sitting in the back, I will do it without hesitation, but actually I travelled with morning sickness and sciatica, in the back of a car for 6 hours when pregnant with my son. Rather than just sitting in the back of the car with out hesitation, maybe I should have said actually its less comfortable for ME?
My husband doesn't like sitting backwards on a train and prefers to sit near the window so of course i sit in the seat that he doesn't, once again without hesitation because I'm more happy being uncomfortable and not making a fuss that feeling like the other person is uncomfortable. But truth be known I much prefer sitting near the window.

I have changed my hair colour and fashion sence in the past it fit in with what my previous partner wanted!

This is not the fault of others, it's that I feel much happier knowing that someone else is happy than satisfying my own needs.

Is it that I have no opinions, preferences or tastes or my own?? Or is it that I have learnt to comply and not form my own opinions as it is easier?? Because recently I have been analysing my likes and dislikes, and I do have preference that I have developed not because its what I think I should do/have to please other but because its what I LIKE.

Value yourself

I have been thinking a lot about my future and how wonderful it would be to help people who's lives have been devistated by abuse.

I'm only 18 months in to my recovering/healing so I still have a long way to go but the progress, happiness and growth I have made is just life changing. 

There are lots of different aspects of my healing some by others, some by myself, some big, some small.

I know how it feels to feel worthless and I know how it feels to feel valued. I now value myself and I was my biggest critic!

What I say is credible and I know I could help others value themselves too.

Friendships

I consider myself as a kind and friendly person, but I seem to struggle to make and retain friendships. 

I left school with only one friend that I keep in touch with despite the fact I went to quite a large school.

I also worked for the same company for 10 years and met lots of people that I got on well with and really liked. Despite this after being left for a year I have noone that I say in touch with or meet up with.

Did I not make the effort or come across as friendly? I see all these other people that I went to school with and work with having close relationships, yet I somehow sadly have slipped away from school and work unnoticed.

Maybe it was my lack of confidence that made me come across differently to how I really felt? 

I don't feel jealousy anymore when seeing people socialising with each other that I know.....I just feel sadness now that I didn't make an impact on anyone for them to want to keep me in their lives.

Maybe if I had been true to myself and not tried to be how I thought people wanted me to be, then this may have been different??

"She was asking for it..."

This is something I read yesterday and found very interesting, look at the man being mugged as a sexual assult or rape of a woman. It makes a very clever point 

Control

Well I had my assessment appointment yesterday with the Clinical Psychologist and I was pleasantly surprised.

She was a nice gentle lady, we talked about my whole past, without going in to details, and a word that she pointed out that I used a lot was 'control'

As I skimmed over my past, she pointed out that even with the sexual child abuse aside, I had had a difficult and tramtic life. 

In the past I have felt not in control of my life, my feelings and my behaviour. Even now I feel not in control of my emotions and I also my mother is over powering with my daughter and I don't feel in control of her future, this causes me a lot of anxiety. Also my issue with weigh and food I believe derives from control. My ex partner completely controlled me and I'm still left 'scarred' from that.

The Psychologist commended me on how far I had came already and that she did not want to interfere with the healing that I had done so far, but the are aspects she can help me with.

I am going to see her again, her help teamed with the healing and empowerment that I have had from Kath Temple from the Happiness Foundation.