Friendships

I consider myself as a kind and friendly person, but I seem to struggle to make and retain friendships. 

I left school with only one friend that I keep in touch with despite the fact I went to quite a large school.

I also worked for the same company for 10 years and met lots of people that I got on well with and really liked. Despite this after being left for a year I have noone that I say in touch with or meet up with.

Did I not make the effort or come across as friendly? I see all these other people that I went to school with and work with having close relationships, yet I somehow sadly have slipped away from school and work unnoticed.

Maybe it was my lack of confidence that made me come across differently to how I really felt? 

I don't feel jealousy anymore when seeing people socialising with each other that I know.....I just feel sadness now that I didn't make an impact on anyone for them to want to keep me in their lives.

Maybe if I had been true to myself and not tried to be how I thought people wanted me to be, then this may have been different??

"She was asking for it..."

This is something I read yesterday and found very interesting, look at the man being mugged as a sexual assult or rape of a woman. It makes a very clever point 

Control

Well I had my assessment appointment yesterday with the Clinical Psychologist and I was pleasantly surprised.

She was a nice gentle lady, we talked about my whole past, without going in to details, and a word that she pointed out that I used a lot was 'control'

As I skimmed over my past, she pointed out that even with the sexual child abuse aside, I had had a difficult and tramtic life. 

In the past I have felt not in control of my life, my feelings and my behaviour. Even now I feel not in control of my emotions and I also my mother is over powering with my daughter and I don't feel in control of her future, this causes me a lot of anxiety. Also my issue with weigh and food I believe derives from control. My ex partner completely controlled me and I'm still left 'scarred' from that.

The Psychologist commended me on how far I had came already and that she did not want to interfere with the healing that I had done so far, but the are aspects she can help me with.

I am going to see her again, her help teamed with the healing and empowerment that I have had from Kath Temple from the Happiness Foundation.

Bad day

I'm feeling over whelmed today and stressed out. 

I think it's the anticipation of the appointment tomorrow.

I've been so proud of myself and stood tall as a strong survivor, but today I don't feel strong. 

I don't want to be a survivor/victim, I'm fed up with it all and want it all to go away....

Just a bad day I think

Get Away....

I feel so desperate for a holiday, a break from the norm.....

I have carried on working and looking after my children and all the other jobs that are involved with being a working wife and mother throughout all of the rollercoaster of emotions I have had over the last 18 months.

I have had police appointments, authority appointments, doctors appointments, court visits, told friends and family about my past. This week I have a doctors appointment tonight, the Psychologist appointment on Friday, In a couple of weeks I'm meeting with the probation people about what happens now 'he,s' in prison.

I'm not saying these things are good or bad, I'm just saying I am tired and I need a break away. I have never left my children and I'm very hesitant to do so, but they have 2 sets of loving grandparents who would look after them. A couple of nights away with my husband, with no responsibility, no need to think, time to breath would be amazing and so so needed. I really should try make it happen

Psychologist Appointment

I have received an appointment in the post to see a Clinical Psychologist at the local Psychosexual services this week.

It is just an initial assessment appointment so I will go as I believe it is important to have an open mind to these things, but I feel worried about going and don't think its right for me.

Taking about the past no longer 'cuts' me like it used too. I have learnt over the past few months how to talk about what happened in a factual way without having emotions swamp me.

This is how I look on my past now-

My step dad, didn't love me, he was using me for his own gain, that is not ok but it is what happened. My unhappiness has held me back for a very long time, I have been weighed down with feeling of inferiority and confusion. I now have accepted and learnt to speak out, yes I was abused, yes it is tragic but NO I will not let it rule my life health and happiness anymore.

Do I need to talk over the details and my emotions again??

Beautiful

I have been fixated since I can remember on being prettier, thiner, better. 

My fixation on beauty has been based on comparing myself to others..... I wanted a smaller waist, bigger eyes, longer hair, darker skin, fuller lips, smaller nose, etc. All of these things would make me beautiful and happy.

 

I now feel so wise and complete as I sit here writing this in my beautiful peaceful garden, seeing my beautiful children happily play, listening to the beautiful birds sing and the sound of the breeze go through the leaves in the trees. I am sitting here contently being my beautiful self, in my happy healthy body, counting my blessings and appreciating my beautiful life and the beautiful world around me.

Beauty is so much more and I feel beautiful.

Rest In Peace

Today I am going to visit my real dad's grave. 

When he passed away my abuse began. 

Now that my abuser is in prison I will put flowers on my dad's grave as I am able to start to morn for him properly. The reason I say this is because iv always  had mixed feelings and felt confused about it.

People have always said to me that my dad really loved me, but if he did then why would he leave me to be abused? 

Also I have felt a lot of jealousy and envy towards other people who have a mum and a dad that really love them. Not so long ago we went to a wedding and as the father of the bride done his speech, I found myself emotionly over whelmed, holding back the tears. I felt such a loss that my dad had left this earth when I was so young and the man that looked after me as a child had abused me for his own gain. I felt devistated.

Another pain I have had to carry with me is that a lot of people say when a parent passes that they stay with you (like an angel) I was sadly put in the position that I prayed that he was just dead. As a child the thought of my dad seeing me doing the "bad" things I was doing was just terrible. It's more guilt I had, thinking what if my dad was trapped watching these things happen to me but was in spirit so unable to do anything- what a torchure that would be for a parent. 

Now my abuser is in prison. It's time for me to accept my dad loved me, I probably would have been abused anyway. I hopefully my dad is at peace now.

Rest in peace dad x x